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Iwas suffering from migraine This left me feeling nauseous for about five years. When they attacked, I knew I would have to cower in a dark room until they passed – sometimes for the whole day. After a particularly bad episode in 2017, I finally went GPIt didn’t occur to me anything serious Was going on.
At the time, I was married and living in Kilburn, north London, with an eight-year-old son and 17-year-old stepdaughter. I was working in the building industry and as a musician, but when blinding headache Hitting about twice a week, life came to a complete halt.
I tried all kinds of holistic treatments: CBD oil, a healer, various supplements. I wondered if it could be the stressBut it also happened once when I was relaxing on vacation at the beach. I tried eating less sugar and dairy, thinking it might be diet related. Nothing worked. I just took this approach that after an episode was over, I would start again.
I told the GP everything and he sent me for a scan. It took almost a month to get an appointment, but I still wasn’t worried. The GP asked me to come in for the results. I went in myself and he told me I had a meningiomaWhich is a brain tumor. I felt numb; I got a late response. I’ve always been the kind of person who is present, but my emotions travel in a bag three days behind me. The GP said it looked good, but I needed to see a consultant.
I went home and told my wife, who was worried. I felt like I had to calm him down, and yet it was I who had the brain tumor. Over the next few days I thought about it. There were moments when I faced my mortality and thought, “Oh my God, am I going to die?”
I saw how a will is made. I didn’t know how to deal with the situation. I didn’t want to talk about it too much with my wife, because it got really stressed out to her. Obviously, I didn’t tell my kids. I told some friends and my sister. My father had dementia at that time. I felt like I was dealing with this alone. I reassured myself: “Someone will fix it. There will be a solution.” I work as a builder, and if there’s a leak, or a door hinge breaks, it’s fixed. I adopted the same philosophy in the medical world.
About a month later, as I was sitting in a hospital room in London with my wife, a consultant casually told me that, although the tumor was the size of a golf ball, I didn’t need to do anything about it. The doctor seemed more interested in talking about football results, and was strangely aloof. He said that migraine has nothing to do with brain tumor. My gut feeling was that migraines were related, and I needed to get a second opinion.
I was referred to another consultant. It felt like the whole situation was disturbing to other people, and so it was easier to go alone this time. The consultant said, “If it were my brother, I would take it out. But you have a choice. We can take it out, but it’s a dangerous operation because it’s the size of a golf ball and it’s right next to a large vein. Or we can leave it because it’s not affecting you right now – and we’ll keep an eye on it through regular scans to make sure it’s not growing.” He also said that it looked benign.
I said, “What’s the danger if you take it out?” He replied: “Stroke, seizure or death.” And I said, “What’s the risk of leaving it?” And he said: “Stroke, seizure or death.” There was no way I could win. It felt like a Monty Python sketch because it was so absurd; Both options were similar.
It’s stressful to know that there’s this golf ball in my head that’s barreling down to the left. But at the same time, I feel more creative than ever
There came a time in 2019, when I was having regular scans every six months, when they felt that the tumor was growing. I felt sick with anxiety. I had another scan, and then they decided that someone had measured it wrong, and it hadn’t actually developed. I was so relieved, and I just thought, “Okay, this can happen in my profession too. How many times does someone measure a kitchen wrong, and then the cabinets don’t fit?”
I now get a scan every two years. I am still living with the side effects of the brain tumor. Sometimes I get confused and confused, and I can have trouble making plans and changing my mind. My memory has deteriorated, and I still get migraines. In 2024, I released a modern blues album called The tumor is still visibleWhich was inspired by my diagnosis and was put out under the moniker Six Strings and a Pulse. It raised money for the charity Brain Tumor Research. I was forced to write songs, including “When I Meet My Death”, while living with my tumor, as well as during my marital breakup in 2021. About 16,000 people are diagnosed with brain tumors in the UK each year, and some of my good friends have also died from aggressive brain tumors.
At the moment, I am one of the lucky ones who is living with a brain tumor. I think it helps me take one day at a time, and I meditate, do qigong, and try to take care of myself. I just get on with it. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know I had a brain tumor because it’s not growing. ignorance is bliss. Other times, when I have a really rotten migraine, I ask myself: “Should I just ride it out?” There is no way to deal with it unless I have an operation, as the tumor is too big for radiotherapy. I don’t know what causes it, but I’m 6 feet 2 inches and have hit my head many times before.
It’s stressful to know that there’s this golf ball in my head that’s barreling down to the left. But at the same time, I feel more creative than ever, and the little ducks pecking at my ankles every day are much smaller now – every day is a blessing.