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Being a modern teenager can be difficult, with today’s youth perhaps facing more pressure than ever before.
And dealing with academic demands, social media pressure and body image issues in addition to the wild emotions of puberty can be even more difficult for teens who are in constant conflict with their parents.
“Growing up in today’s world can be incredibly difficult for young people,” says Stevie Golding, interim head of services. Youngminds,
“Many teens face constant pressures, ranging from school and academic expectations to the influence of social media, worries about the future, and financial stress at home. It’s no wonder so many young people sometimes feel overwhelmed.”
She says it’s important for parents to recognize that what may look like moodiness or withdrawal can often be a sign of deeper emotional stress, and stresses: “Instead of reacting with frustration or yelling, which can easily shut down communication, approaching your child with patience, calmness, and understanding can help strengthen your relationship and create a safe space for them to open up.”
She suggests finding quiet moments to connect through everyday activities you both enjoy, and listening without judgment, saying: “Just being there, showing empathy, and reminding them that it’s OK to feel what they’re feeling can be extremely reassuring.”
and teen mental health expert Dr. Margot SunderlandDirector of Trauma Informed Schools UKWhich helps schools respond effectively to the mental health problems of children and teenagers, suggests that if parents try to understand what their teenagers are going through, and take a stress-reducing approach rather than a stress-inducing one, the parent-child relationship can be greatly improved.
“In adolescents, the stress response system in the brain is overactive—massive changes occur in the brain,” she explains.
“It’s like building new roads in the brain, because it’s being rebuilt, and there are huge hormonal forces. So parents just need to cut teens some slack, and be the same as they would with a child, which is to be empathetic and not give in to temptation.
“Understand that they are being unreasonable, but be able to remain empathetic.”
Here, Sunderland, child psychiatrist and author of more than 20 books, explains the best ways for parents to respond when teens become defiant, unreasonable or just plain angry…
1. Be empathetic
If a teen becomes upset, rather than getting angry themselves, parents should try to be empathetic and let the teen know that they understand where his feelings are coming from.
“Say ‘this is really hard for you right now’, or ‘you’re really into me,’ just like you would with a child,” she advises.
“The power of empathy and understanding will reduce stress levels. So just saying that it’s really hard for them has the power to heal parent-child interactions.
“But so many parents never have empathy for themselves, so this needs to be taught in schools.”
2. Don’t be defensive
If your teen says they hate you, rather than saying ‘Don’t talk to me like that’, which can cause “attachment breakdown”, Sunderland advises parents to say ‘You really hate that I broke that boundary – I get the sense that you’re angry at me’.
“Try not to be defensive, but just acknowledge the feeling,” she says.
3. Don’t try to fix the problem
Sunderland says parents need to actively listen to what their teen has to say, rather than trying to fix the problem without listening to the teen’s take on the problem.
“Active listening reduces stress levels dramatically,” she explains. “Parents will try to solve the problem, they will say ‘It’s not that bad, you can do this or that.’
“But teens don’t want to be cured. They want to be understood and heard, and that’s hard, because you feel the teen’s pain, but can you live with the pain instead of trying to fix it?”
4. Try to remain composed under stress
Sunderland warned that stressful parenting, such as a parent yelling at a teen for yelling, could increase mental health problems.
“So how do you stay composed under stress?” she asks. “Go into the other room and yell, but not in front of your teen. Then respond in a very calm tone.”
Sunderland emphasizes that parents can also put the burden on a peer or friend, “but not on the teen.”
5. Use ‘unless’ statements instead of threats
Sunderland advises responding to your teen just as you would any child. “So you’d say, for example, ‘I’m afraid you can’t go out until you’ve accomplished X.’ Work In a very calm voice, but be clear about the consequences, just like children.
“And instead of threatening to take away their iPhone, say ‘we can’t do X until you do Y.’
“Carrying phones and things isn’t really a good thing. They should be using something else, like if they need pocket money, or they want to buy something. It’s much better to use ‘unless’.”
6. Try not to yell at your teen
It’s easier said than done, but yelling at your teen is not a good idea. Sunderland explains that yelling at teens damages the verbal processing part of their brain, “but that’s not taught in schools,” she says.
“Low-stress parenting will bring up resilient kids. So a parent may think ‘It’s OK for me to yell at my teen’. Well, it’s not.”
7. Be curious
Teens may accuse their parents of not understanding them, and Sunderland says the way to deal with this is to be curious. “Say ‘I really want to understand, will you help me? I’m here to listen’. Be curious.”
8. Summarize
As well as being empathetic and curious, Sunderland says summarizing what your teen has said or how they’re feeling is a good practical tool.
She says, “The tone of voice needs to be right, but curiosity is important. Say ‘Will you help me understand?’ And then summarize what they said, for example: “So what you’re saying is that you feel completely overwhelmed with school work. I understood.'”
9. Be ‘talkable’ to parents
Sunderland says that if you keep trying to fix your teen or tell them to get out of their mood, you’re not ‘worth talking’ about – and if that’s the case, teens will often try to solve their problems by getting misinformation from social media.
“Are you ‘able to talk’ to parents?” she asks. “You know you’re doing great as a parent if a teen tells you about something painful that’s happening in their life. You need a trophy, because they actually want to talk to you — that’s a wonderful thing.”
10. Be patient
Sunderland explains that parents may notice hormonal upheavals and surges even when their child is no longer a teen, because the brain is still developing into the late 20s. She explains that by the age of 19-22 they are becoming “more rational”, but before that, and certainly between the ages of 13-16, “you will need the skills to control yourself emotionally, to be curious, to be empathetic, and not to give in to temptation.”
“There will be mood swings, and you’ll lose your teen, then you’ll get them back, and you’ll lose them, and then you’ll get them back. Don’t worry about it.
“It’s a bit like the parent needs to be a therapist until they go through those years. And then when your child is about 22 you bring them back in.”