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when Andy Williams sang It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, I Think He Was Talking About Christmas Sandwich season. As the days get shorter and jumpers get thicker, there’s a festive upgrade to the food deal. Pushed to the back of the shelves are limp ploughman’s and soggy falafel wraps, replaced by turkey and trimmings, pigs in blankets and stuffing, and some enviable veggie options. If you’re looking to bring a little festive cheer to sad desk lunches, there’s no easier way to do it.
But a ghost haunts the chiller cabinet, floating among the innocent smoothies and mysterious single hard-boiled eggs in plastic pots. This Ghost of Christmas (Sandwich) present is red and wobbly, spreading it all over every unexplained Christmas sandwich it finds. I’m, of course, talking about cranberry sauceA spice used to mark festive offerings, regardless of whether it tastes good or not. no one is safe. no shoes sandwichNot Greggs pasties, Not posh pret toasties,
While I’ve spent my adult life freeing myself from the claw-like grip of the food deal, I’m willing to make an exception for Christmas offerings. But supermarket observations this year revealed that every option from turkey to falafel comes loaded with cranberries (yes, even at Christmas, some shops can’t think of a more imaginative vegetable option than falafel). It doesn’t look any better even in flashy establishments. On paper, Costa’s vegetarian “Turkey and Trimmings” sandwich sounds like the lunch of my dreams. You’ve got fake turkey, stuffing, fried onions, mayo… great! But then a dollop of cranberry sauce. Criminal.
Theoretically, you’d think it would be impossible to ruin the surefire formula of “bread + Christmas dinner + more bread.” But the cranberry sauce gives it a really nice flavor. Including just one thick, sweet layer of ingredients overpowers the already strong flavors that should shine on their own. Call me old-fashioned, but rarely do I wear a nice, delicious saree, enjoy the different flavors and textures, and think, do you know what would be better than that? Jam.
To be clear, I’m not completely anti-cranberry. There are places that are suitable: with vodka or, at a push, over some brie. When it comes to Christmas dinner, I’m not opposed to cranberry sauce either, with a splash on the side of my plate for items that are suitable for it. But when it’s spread over a sandwich, nothing else stands a chance.
I can see why sandwich makers routinely use cranberry sauce. Whether it’s turkey or a vegetable option, a festive sandwich can be quite dry. But surely there must be a better moisture-maker. Gravy? Mayonnaise? Gravy-mayonnaise? (Sounds heinous; actually pretty cool). Hey, I’m pro-butter in this situation too, although I can admit it’s not very Christmassy. Big Cranberry’s dominance is mostly disappointing because the options get better and more diverse every year (especially for non-meat eaters), but the red stuff seems inevitable. This year, I will pray to Santa that we be freed from his grip.