How to Celebrate Christmas When You’re Grieving, According to Experts

IIf you turn on the TV or scroll through social media this time of year, it’s impossible to avoid being bombarded by images of happy families struggling to find a place to stay. Christmas Dining table. But for those of us who are mourning, those happy tableaux supermarket advertising As for Instagram galleries – this may serve as an unwelcome reminder of exactly what (and who) you might be missing this December.

When someone you love dies, you soon learn that there is no set time limit for grieving. Your emotions don’t easily fade into the background as we reach the most wonderful time of the year, and everyone else will feel a lot more comfortable if you can just keep up a smile and put on a show. ,Sadness Doesn’t respect the fact that it’s Christmas and feels you ‘need’ to be happy,” says Ruth Cooper-DixonA trauma-informed grief coach.

It’s that strange discrepancy between all the outward appearances of comfort and happiness and the tangled reality of your feelings that can make this season so difficult when you’re coping with loss—whether you’re doing it for the first time or the twentieth time. Christmas “brings a lot of things – wonderful times and really challenging times”, as Kate Winslet said during a recent podcast appearance; His latest film, goodbye june, Deals with the reality of mourning during the (not so) festive period. So what can you do to make it a little easier for yourself?

First, it’s worth digging deeper into why this extension of time can be so intriguing; This way, you’re less likely to beat yourself up when the wave of sadness inevitably hits. Cooper-Dickson suggests that one reason is that when you deal with loss, you often “fall into routines as part of your coping strategy – it’s how you move forward, hour by hour, day by day”. That structure can feel comfortable, whether it’s a weekly coffee date with a friend or simply an exercise class that helps clear your head. But when the Christmas holidays arrive, “the schedule completely gets thrown into disarray,” she notes. You’re out of work, kids are away from school, social interactions can disrupt your sleep patterns (more wineAnd as we move into December, the world around you slowly starts to close in – leaving you disoriented.

So even if you’ve managed to stay busy until December 25, the strange silence between Christmas and New Year can be a period when “the loss mounts”, says therapist and grief coach. Dipti Solanki“When the busyness of everyday life wears off, you’re faced with the reality of that person not being here and the impact of that,”

Unlike any other part of the year, the festive season is full of memories, nostalgia and small rituals. That feeling of repetition can make the loss even worse; Your thoughts inevitably turn to those many times you might have decorated the house, cooked a turkey or sung a special song with the person you’re missing, who may no longer be around to do it.

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“This is a time when I really start missing my father, and a time that also brings out the child in all of us,” says Solanki. “We all have so many Christmas memories, and it brings up all the things you used to do together: this is how we eat dinner, this is how we put up the tree, all these traditions. Then if a certain person is missing, it’s going to feel very deeply. It doesn’t matter how many years have passed.” [since their death]It’s going to feel emptier and their presence will be missed.

Everyone grieves differently, and so it follows that everyone will have a different threshold of what they can and cannot cope with in the social environment of Christmas. “Maybe you have someone who has experienced a loss and doesn’t really want to accept all the invitations this year, and that’s OK,” says Solanki. “Or you may have someone who has a lot of fresh grief, but their coping mechanism is to be around people and smile as much as possible. That’s okay too.”

It’s worth thinking carefully about what is right for you before the day, and then clearly communicating with your family what you will and won’t do. Maybe you want to celebrate Christmas like a normal day. Maybe you want to volunteer for a charity to take your mind off things. Or maybe you’ve opted to celebrate the business celebration as usual. If it’s the latter — perhaps you’re with the in-laws this year, for example — make a plan if things get overwhelming, rather than just grit your teeth, fix your smile, and hope for the best.

“If you’re going to a Christmas party at someone’s house, or you’re going to someone’s place for Christmas Day, ask if you can do the bolt hole,” suggests Maria Bailey, founder of grief specialistA network of grief experts. Knowing that there’s a quiet place where you can take some time to collect yourself can make social interactions less daunting. “If you feel you need to take time off, if you plan it in advance, you’re in control and you can relax,” says Bailey.

Or, if you’re feeling a little awkward admitting to your host that things may be too much, you might want to say to yourself, “If it gets tough, I’m going to walk out, or I’m going to walk to the store and get something,” says Cooper-Dixon. Perhaps you can arrange your own travel plans, so that if you feel overwhelmed you can go on your own terms, rather than having to wait until other people decide the day is over.

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And working out how you’ll answer those “how” Are You?” Premature questioning can also keep you from moving forward at this time. “We don’t want to reveal what we’re saying to everyone who will listen, because we can’t make ourselves that emotionally vulnerable,” says Solanki. “But emotional honesty is really important.” She recommends practicing phrases like “Christmas can feel difficult sometimes, but I’m finding different ways to be more comfortable with it, and it’s really lovely to be here with you all. is” – something, essentially, that acknowledges that you’re finding this difficult, but also that it feels good to be in this position right now.

If you feel like this, “consider what traditions you would like to carry on”, suggests Cooper-Dixon, because it “gives you the opportunity to move forward”. [the person you’re grieving] Back to the family”. Perhaps there’s a carol concert or theater show you always attend with them that you’d like to keep as part of your annual routine; maybe you just want to play their favorite music while you’re doing a special act of celebration.

Again, make sure you are considering what will become You Feel better, rather than feeling like you have to follow the exact same routine you played with that person. “One of the biggest things people think is ‘If we don’t make their favorite Christmas pudding I’ll forget them’, or something like that,” says Cooper-Dixon. But of course, it is not so. Not buying a particular sweet doesn’t mean you’re failing to keep their memories alive.

But if old rituals feel burdened by memories at this time, think of new ways to remember your loved one. For Bailey, the moment she and her family sit down for Christmas dinner is when she must confront her late mother’s absence, “so we have a tradition of raising a glass to her and saying ‘Happy Christmas, Grandma'”, she says. “So you have this empty chair, but what can you do to start a new tradition?” You can even “buy them a gift for you” and choose something you know they’d want you to enjoy.

Most important, however, is to make space for your grief, as Solanki says. “By this I mean, if [the feeling] comes up, don’t push it down,” she says. Instead, give yourself permission to really feel Those difficult feelings. Writing down your feelings can help; So maybe “make time to go and see a therapist”, or just “sit down and have a good cry”. Solanki believes that by doing this you can “make space for good things too”.

“I think that’s what happens when people try to avoid [grief] And don’t think about it, just focus on the good, which makes it really hard to stop,” she adds. “We create a pressure cooker environment within ourselves. But if we allow ourselves to feel those emotions, we have less guilt, less pressure, and less sadness, so we can enjoy other things.

It is a very human paradox, she adds, that “we can contain our sadness, but we can also contain our happiness”. Cooper-Dickson agrees that we shouldn’t tie ourselves up in knots of guilt if we’re having a good time; Not enjoying Christmas doesn’t equate to disrespecting your loved one’s memory (really, wouldn’t they rather you were happy?) “Maybe it’s a movie or something on TV, or something that someone does, and for a minute you laugh there,” she says. “But you have not forgotten [them]That memory is still there.