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Dear Vix,
I met my wonderful partner in 2000 and fell in love. We got married eight months after our first date, moved back to our home country – Canada – and had two children (now 15 and 16). But our intimacy ended when I became pregnant with my second son and things got worse after I became a mother. Stay home mom.
I began to feel resentful – I felt I had no support and that my children were suffering. My husband started focusing his attention elsewhere with a colleague who was 22 years younger than him. Fast forward seven years and she left me and my boys for her, Just before Covid hit. I had full time for my children, plus I was an essential worker – a postie – without any support. Since my ex-wife and her new partner were pregnant, they didn’t want any chance of exposure, so I gave my boys almost full time for a year.
Fast forward to now: He has a new family, but I’ve crashed and burned and lost everything. I’m living in a shelter now And meet your children once a week. I’m trying my best to find housing and get my boys back. I’m taking medication and therapy to manage my severe anxiety and recently returned to work (and am excited about it).
The problem is that my ex-wife and his (now) wife are not even remotely supportive. He has told our children (who are also struggling) on several occasions: “Your mother is irrelevant. Nothing she says or does matters”. My heart is broken because he was the love of my life. Please help if you can. It feels like everything in my life has gone wrong all at once. I can barely understand its meaning myself.
heart and life broken
Dear heart and life broken,
I think my heart broke a little after reading your letter. What a terrible, heart-breaking time you have had. How resilient you are to go through so many terrible moments – and yet you’re still dragging yourself back to work, in medicine And go to the doctor to get medicine. Please give yourself some credit for your strength and determination. I can even see that determination in the way you talk about getting your boys back.
I had to shorten your letter a bit, but rest assured, my main point when I was reading was this: The man you loved disappointed you badly. You were not only dealing with the grief of premature birth (Princess Beatrice recently spoke How new parents of “haters” feel, saying she felt “incredibly lonely”), but then you had to deal with your partner’s lack of interest (his words were cruel when you were trying to initiate intimacy).
When you became a stay-at-home mom you experienced further loss of support – and ultimately, the ultimate betrayal, when she had an affair With a colleague more than two decades his junior. I wonder if he’s not the one writing to me, he’s full of guilt and remorse for the horrible way you treated him – but then again, men like it Often experience very little (nothing at all) empathy. If they did, they wouldn’t be able to treat someone like that in the first place. (And for what it’s worth, I think it’s disgusting to talk about another parent the way he talks about you. There is no excuse – ever – To speak ill of the mother of your children.,
so what to do? Well, I want you to take one thing with you today: because you’re already doing that. I know it feels like you’ve hit rock bottom – living in a shelter, Fighting for the custody of their children. But this is temporary (and you have to hold on tight and believe in it).
Just look at what you’ve already struggled to achieve: you’re back to work And with a positive attitude about it; You are making sure you meet with your boys consistently every week (and I would urge you to never miss that spot – this routine will help all three of you get back on your feet). When it comes to visitation, you’ll be able to prove these big steps you’ve taken to prove yourself a worthy and capable parent. Keep going. keep believing.
What you’re struggling with most right now is the grief and loss surrounding the man you once considered “the love of your life” – and the heartbreak that comes when the person we thought we knew changes beyond recognition. it Is it’s a heartbreaker Is A sorrow and a loss, No matter how many years have passed. Consider it a condolence. Go easy on yourself. Give yourself time to mourn it – but mourn it… openly if you want. to cry and to wail and to cry and to rage and Read about the best ways to deal with a breakup-And then pick up the pieces of your heart off the floor, put them together and know that one day, they will be whole again.
The man you loved may not be here anymore, but The love that created your boys enduresIt’s inside you and it’s inside them – and no one can ever take that away,
Do you have a concern you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Wicks? love issues, relationsFamily and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk