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I keep meeting people I like dating In apps or real life, ask them – and we get there. We go out. I’m not bad looking if I do say so myself. I also like to think that I’m kind and considerate. I should be a catch – but here’s the (real) catch: I remain friendzoned.
I don’t know what happens, but as soon as I spend time with someone on a first or second date (and it’s a date, I make sure it’s definitely a date – I even send a message to say, “Looking forward to our date!”) and I start asking questions, my date starts sharing details about her life, her exes.broken…and before I know it, it looks like I’m a therapist, or something.
After that, it’s a one-way street to stay firmly in the friendzone. No kissing, no advances – just “You’re so cute!” And a hug. Don’t get me wrong: I love making new friends, But I’m not on these dating apps to make friends. I want a girlfriend.
What am I doing wrong?
lonely boy
dear single,
First of all, you are not doing anything wrong. You are a complete catch: good-looking, thoughtful, able to talk about important things, interested – and deliberate. You wouldn’t believe how many mistakes men make when it comes to dating. Just by not knowing what they want (Or if they want anything at all). When it comes to “what are you looking for” on a dating app, you see the status “not sure” and your heart sinks.
One of the most common questions I get from people who have been in long-term relationships is how they lament the fact that the “spark” (that elusive spark) has gone out of the relationship. Most often, this is because they have become so open and transparent to each other – they may even become completely invisible.
one of my Favorite psychiatrist, Esther Perel, There’s this saying about intimacy and long-term relationships: “Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire requires secrets.” I think this is fascinating – and often overlooked. This is also true.
When we’re completely comfortable in a long-term, romantic relationship, we can sometimes forget the things that initially made us attractive and sensual, sexy and mysterious to our partners. When you first enter a relationship, you’re a little worried. You probably won’t poop with the bathroom door open, or poop while your partner is taking a shower (excuse me), or call your other half for a toilet chat. So, why do we do this when we are married or married Secure and committed relationship?
I know this isn’t the puzzle you’re facing, but I think there’s a valuable lesson in it for you too. I wonder if you’re entering a new dynamic – a date – and revealing a little too much. When asked about ssomeone’s ex, breakup And with past relationships on a first date, you’re certainly increasing intimacy – but you’re also asking them to consciously think about (and focus on) past relationships. Stuff (and people) that don’t exist. By asking about them, you bring them to life – it’s like a haunted thing.
Here’s what I would recommend: Next time you go on a date, Just try asking them about themselves. The person in front of you. their Likes, their interests, their experiences, sure – but as an individual. This is not what they have done (or not done) as a couple at any time in the past. Find out about what they like in terms of music, art, TV, film; What have they read and enjoyed recently, have they taken any trips that have inspired them or made them come back again and again.
Try to separate someone from their past and ask what brings them joy about being alive – today. What are their ambitions, what are their hopes? Their dreams?
I think if you ask these kinds of questions (and answer them yourself) you’ll feel just as intimate, just as close – but also mysterious, dizzy, and fascinating.
Do you have a concern you would like to raise anonymously? dear vixlove issues, relationsFamily and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk