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Dear Vix,
I am going crazy worrying about my daughter. She’s only 14 but she’s already had a steady boyfriend for a year – and I think she has a boyfriend sexIt feels too soon, too fast, too heavy – and I’m terrified: not just that, About teen pregnancy, But about whether he is emotionally ready to make such big life choices.
I’m worried about her all the time – about her heartbreak, about her getting caught doing something intimate on camera, About STD, About her school work and it’s a huge distraction.
The guy is kind and respectful and they both really care about each other, but whenever I ask her what they’re doing physically – and how she feels about it – she shuts down and doesn’t tell me anything. I have tried to go leaflet about contraception In her bedroom, but she throws them away and tells me, “I know!!”
I was a teenage boy and I know how they are – that’s why I’m so concerned. What should I do?
a father
Dear single father,
Ouch, I feel your pain and worry for you. It can’t be easy parenting a teenage girl – let alone one who is relatively early in pursuing a serious romantic relationship.
Well done for doing your best to bring conversationTo find out what is happening (or what might be happening) in the beginning – and to show your love and care for her by placing the leaflet in her bedroom. Not all dads will feel comfortable doing this and it’s beautiful that she knows you’ve got her back and she can talk to you – whenever she wants.
The cold, hard truth of it is: As parents, there’s not much we can do to try or prevent something like heartbreak — or the other “worst-case scenarios” you’ve outlined here, like underage sex, early teen pregnancy, STDs. Or getting caught doing something on camerabut what can we do can do We need to arm our kids with information – and provide them with a safe space to ask questions.
This, you are already doing to a great extent – so I would suggest building and strengthening that trusting relationship between you and your daughter. If she chooses to come out to you – and this may take some time – she will feel supported.
Restricting or ordering a child to “stop having sex” or “Become a celibate” Or “break up with him right now” never stopped being a big deal. We know this by now. We need to work with what we’ve got.
So, in the meantime, I would suggest being frank and asking her if she would like you to make a GP appointment for her. discuss contraceptionChildren know a lot and are very street savvy, but they may not realize that you are happy to talk to them about it and help them stay safe, You can offer to come with him or wait in the waiting room,
To ease your worries a bit: State high schools these days deal with the topics like revenge porn and staying safe online as part of the PSHE curriculum. But there is no harm in reminding him of the dangers. Maybe you could start a conversation about this over dinner News you read about cyberflashingFor example (and tech firms have recently been ordered to crack down on unwanted nudity as part of the Online Safety Act, so you can start there), so he doesn’t feel like you’re talking directly about him. You can then use this as a bridge to find out what she knows – and answer any questions she has.
I often bring up “hot topics” with my daughter – introducing them casually and gently – asking her what she thinks about something we’ve seen in the news. I did this recently, Discussion on the murder of Charlie Kirk -Because I was so worried about what he saw online.
Relying on news events can be a useful way to get them to discuss a topic hypothetically, rather than keeping quiet because they don’t want to talk about their lives. This is an easy way to increase their understanding or access to information about a sensitive topic without having to lecture them.
Ultimately, you may not be able to “stop” your daughter from making some foolish decisions, but you can do love her. No matter what happens, be there for it. Make sure he has all the information he needs to at least try to make the most educated choice possible – with support and information available.
And don’t forget to pat yourself on the back for some Truly excellent parenting.
Do you have a concern you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Wicks? love issues, relationsFamily and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk