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Dear Vix,
My teenage daughter has a mixed friendship group – they’re all lovely kids and they get along really well. I often allow them to “hang out” at my house on Fridays, but it’s always been a pretty straightforward “pick up at 10pm” scenario. Only now, she’s begging to be allowed to join the entire group – including the boys go to sleep For her 14th birthday. And I’m confused.
On the one hand, I want to show that I trust him – We talk openly about sex and bodies And I’m not overly concerned that anything inappropriate will actually happen. But on the other hand, I cannot rule out the entire possibility and am distressed by the thought that if something unpleasant were to happen, it would happen under my roof and therefore be my fault!
I don’t want to make my child feel bad when he hasn’t done anything wrong. I don’t want him or his friends either, who are all great kids – To think that I doubt them. She can’t understand why I’m saying “no”. How do I explain this to him?
concerned parents
Dear Concerned Parent,
What a relief it was to read your email. I’m going through something similar – and am similarly worried about how to honor my child and not undermine his faith And trust him.
I know the thought of our kids doing something they’re not ready for can be scary. At some point we all have to let go of mistakes and let them grow – to make mistakes and learn from them. I personally just hope that when it happens, I will create a warm, loving and accepting space for it My children ask questions and ask for help when they need itAnd it feels like we’re on the same page,
If your daughter were 16, 17, 18 years old… I would probably be saying something different – that you can’t control what happens, that you have to accept that she will make choices – and that you can only stand by and hope that she will make the right choice based on what you have taught her: to be free, to be considered (and thoughtful). To take care of yourself and your body. To understand consent.
But I want to reassure you that at this age – while it is highly likely that you are right and there is nothing untoward would like Happen – I think you’re making up right decision of parents In actually saying “no”.
We don’t want to turn our kids into devils, but we all know teens can be impatient, impatient; They may make foolish decisions without fully understanding the seriousness of what they are doing at the moment. Teenagers are often more emotionally reactive and find it harder to think about things, because their brains are still developing – Specifically the prefrontal cortex, which takes care of reasoning and risk assessment.
At the age of 13, your daughter and her friends They are not biologically wired to make clear, rational, correct decisions all the time. And I don’t see anything wrong with you being a little extra protective as long as they don’t have to.
As far as how to explain this to her, I would say something like this: “I know it’s annoying, but when you’re a teenager, things are a little different. When you’re 13 or 14, girls and boys are growing up and don’t always make the best choices. I know you’re responsible and reliable and we’ve always wanted you to be independent. I just think the same thing. mixed sleep This is a slightly risky scenario. I too was 13 and 14 at one time and I remember what it was like. However, I understand that it is annoying.”
(spoilers: my co-parent Said pretty much the same thing in a brilliant, firm, kind and loving way. And it worked!)
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